I know how tempting it is to think it’s all our fault. To think that if you’re still single, it’s only because of you. To believe that if all your attempts to find the perfect man fail, it’s because something is wrong with you.
In short, we quickly throw stones at ourselves and let others put us down. But the truth is, you had nothing to do with it…
But during a recent interview with my psychiatrist, I had a revelation… I told him that after so many missed appointments, it was difficult not to tell yourself that something was wrong with you.
He looked me straight in the eye and just said no, I was wrong, nothing was wrong with me. It’s quite stupid, but hearing it from the mouth of another allowed me to become fully aware.
And I believe that a thousand other people could have said the same thing to me, it would have had no echo in me. But the confidence with which he said those words really resonated with me.
And strangely, I believed him. I understood that we all needed to hear these salutary words from time to time.
We need to be told that we are perfect in our imperfections and that nothing is wrong with us.
Of course, that doesn’t mean we’re perfect. That doesn’t mean that some of the things we cling to aren’t ridiculous and that we wouldn’t benefit from lowering our requirements a little.
I think introspection is essential and that we need to look back on ourselves. We need to probe our emotions and understand why we get stuck in the same kinds of situations over and over again.
But it is equally important to realize that we are not responsible for everything. Building a lasting and deep relationship involves the interaction of so many factors: timing, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual compatibility, emotional maturity, etc.
We have to find each other on all these points so that a relationship can see the light of day and last. And unfortunately, it is rare and it is not worse.
Let’s say it’s just a set of steps that we have to go through before meeting the one who really suits us.
Some succeed very early, for others it will take years for the right combination to arrive! But remember, that’s not the most important thing. The most important thing is to take your time and take small steps.
I believe that the most important thing is to accept and understand what our desires are, then to put a stop as soon as we find ourselves with someone whose vision of the world and of the couple does not fit with ours.
It is up to you to fight for your values and your dreams. If you are looking for a serious and lasting relationship, you should no longer settle for the minimum or for partners who are only looking for an adventure.
If you start investing your time and effort and the relationship isn’t moving forward, end it and move on. Go find someone who truly matches you and is looking for the same things you are.
Waiting for someone to be ready for you makes no sense. You deserve to be loved, now and as you are, and you also deserve to be in a relationship with someone who gives you security and confidence.
Please don’t settle for more months than you deserve. It’s not worth it and it will only bring you pain in the long run.
But I’m not blaming you, I understand when all our friends get married and have children, we quickly feel isolated and we, therefore, tend to settle into mediocre relationships that don’t suit us.
Relationships that aren’t really relationships, because they lack intimacy and closeness (among other things). Relationships that will certainly soothe your feeling of loneliness for a while, but will only amplify it over time.
And above all, this type of relationship will make you suffer. You will end up trapped by this feeling of not being enough and not being lovable. And believe me, it is an extremely painful and harmful feeling.
And if you notice that this is the type of relationship you constantly find yourself in, ask yourself why. Ask yourself when to choose yourself, set boundaries, and decide what to accept and what not to accept in a relationship.
Because maybe, I mean maybe, if you can’t find the type of relationship you want, it’s because you’re not fighting for it.
Besides, a friend of mine recently told me that during a first date, the woman he was meeting had told him in no uncertain terms that she was looking for a husband and nothing less. ! And to his great surprise, his frankness did not put him off at all, quite the contrary…
He admired her determination and her direct approach. And this story made me realize that authenticity was a sublime quality and that I myself greatly appreciated in others.
Why pretend to be satisfied with something that, deep down, does not satisfy us at all?
Why try to change someone whose personality absolutely does not match ours? That does not make any sense.
If an almost relationship is right for you, great. There’s nothing wrong with that. But don’t settle for crumbs, if you want the whole thing!
Because believe me, there is someone out there who will be more than happy to give you that all and give you that love you are looking for. Because there is someone who is looking for the same thing as you, that’s for sure!
But first, you have to make the choice to stop settling for something that doesn’t suit you. And you have to learn to love yourself, to learn that you are as worthy as anyone of sincere, deep love.
Of course, accepting this is a process. It may take a while before you get there. But you have to go through this acceptance process no matter what.
I have a little advice to help you along this path. Find a mantra that sums up your demands and desires and repeat it to yourself every day until it turns into a deep belief.
And once this mantra becomes an absolute truth, you will have an easier time sticking to your desires and values. You will have less difficulty saying: “no, that does not suit me”; to say: “no, your expectations are not mine”.
And you will start to meet partners who are more likely to suit you. At least, you will do the sorting much more easily.
Relationships are a highly complex field, especially in today’s era where denial of commitment, multiple choices, and dating apps can make building a real relationship seem impossible.
But courtly love is not dead! True love is not dead! It is simply a matter of making room for it in our lives by beginning to accept and love ourselves. It’s about feeling lovable and sticking to the boundaries you set for yourself.
But above all, don’t let your fears jeopardize the great opportunities that may come your way. And don’t let yourself be taken in by people with bad intentions or who would only like a part-time affair (if that’s not what you want).