Choosing a life partner can be one of the most beautiful experiences, but also the most frustrating.
We often jump from one relationship to another, which in turn sadly disintegrates and we begin to wonder what the problem is.
Why do we choose the partners we choose?
In fact, our actions as adults reflect childhood experiences.
Through early experiences we construct an idea of ourselves, the world and others and this affects our actions.
When choosing a partner, we unconsciously choose what we know, we choose a relationship that is familiar to us.
We will unconsciously choose, for example, an emotionally unavailable partner if that is what we have known since childhood.
Consciously we can say to ourselves:
I don’t want an alcoholic partner, because my father was an alcoholic.
So, we choose a sober person, but subconsciously we will choose the same underlying problem.
That is to say, an emotionally unavailable or emotionally immature partner if that is what one has known since childhood.
In close relationships and partnership is one of the closest, our attachment styles also come to the surface.
Attachment styles refer to patterns of behavior, feelings, and experiences.
They describe the nature of the bond we have with a person.
In doing so, the bond we have with others develops based on the relationship we had in childhood, primarily based on the relationship we had with the person who raised us.
This is how we distinguish a secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganizing style of attachment.
A secure attachment style is seen in people who have developed trust in others during adolescence.
This means they feel safe in close relationships and speak honestly and openly about their feelings.
An anxious attachment style is seen in people who grew up with parents or guardians who did not give them unconditional love, but showed them love only when they cared about the needs of their children. parents or guardians.
This is why, in close relationships, they develop strategies by which they invest most of their time and energy in helping their partner win love.
People with an avoidant attachment style in close relationships often maintain a certain level of distance from their partners to protect themselves from excessive expectations or disappointment.
They usually grew up with parents or guardians who asked them to behave in a certain way in order to gain their approval or support.
The disorganizing attachment style can be described as a combination of anxiety and avoidance.
When we understand our own attachment style and that of our partner, it is easier for us to understand and more correctly interpret some of our partner’s actions.
For example, someone with an anxious attachment type may feel restless and insecure if they don’t receive an immediate response to their message.
This can lead her to think that her partner doesn’t care about her. When she becomes aware of this pattern, she can react more correctly.
What do we do when we realize we have a negative mate selection pattern?
After a few bad relationships, we ourselves may become aware that we are doing something wrong.
By associating, we subconsciously want to repeat a long-standing relationship in which we are emotionally hurt and now hope for a new result, which, of course, does not happen and therefore we end up in relationships with the wrong partners.
When we spot a harmful pattern, it’s time to take a look inside ourselves.
If we consistently choose emotionally immature partners, we may see them as one or both of our parents.
If we unconsciously choose narcissists, we need to look deep within ourselves: what do we need and what are we trying to get out of the relationship?
In short, the reason that explains why we feel pain.
What type of partner is really for you?
If we know how to recognize our own life values, we will seek a partner whose life values are similar.
And we will know what we are asking of our partner.
But we often enter into a relationship by falling in love and not wondering if we are a match.
When the infatuation passes, if our life values are similar, we have a good chance of having a successful relationship.
But it is important to talk about it.
For example, if one partner’s life value is to have a child, while the other wants to travel the world and live without children, whatever decision the partners make, one of them will have to give up his life value.
Which is difficult.
Such acquaintance is not easy, but if both partners are willing to work on the relationship, the couple can be a real success.
However, the most important thing is to clarify with yourself who you are and what you expect from a partner.
Only then will you find what you truly want and deserve.